Just some musings. A hybrid of psychology, spirituality and neurodiversity

Emotional and Trauma healing, 'Melt-downs' as energy release and NTs *caution: swear words

I love my hysterical laughing meltdowns, they are such a lovely way of release. Releasing all the accumulated energy. I literally fell spent afterwards. And I just comfortably sink into myself, just resting with a lovely, joyful feeling. Am I then almost the most myself? It’s nice whatever it is and as I re-read this it sounds like the most important, beautiful and healthy thing in the world. And most sensible thing. So really, I just focus on this, this feeling and this expression and de-demonizing it, releasing the shame that I have about it cause I’m ‘too much’. Yeah, I am too much. Too much for a regular mouth breather to handle, sure. Yeah, it makes sense, right? That regular people don’t like it, because it’s irregular, which is the exact opposite to their regular; their regular that they live by and define themselves by, as we all do. The regular that they have formed an attachment to, like we all do. So they can’t help but to automatically, subconsciously react with fear (in different forms like anger, aggression, being just closed-off ) because it feels like a threat to the inner most sense of self. Small self that it. And therefore 95% of the feedback you receive is going to be negative (Autistics I reckon would be around 5%, not 1% of the world's population). Figures. Makes sense. Seems logically correct so far. OK. Now if the vast majority of the feedback you receive about your inner most self is negative, the more you will be ashamed of it, cover it, repress it, deny it and so on. Because analogically, for you, your True Self showing itself would be like a threat to you, because of all the negative feedback. And since we still react like animals in the wild at any perceived threat, the reaction is going to be life-and-death. So, it’s going to be imperative to squish it, punish it, do whatever that needs doing to make this shit stay down, cause the only thing it has brought you is misery, soul crushing heartache and exclusion. And as social animals, we can’t do with exclusion because we base out basic survival on pack, on community. So that’s like a double threat. So obviously, it re-enforces itself. Now dig through all THAT crap mate. Is it any wonder nobody does this? No one wants this crap. Not one freaking person wants that experience. So, we do whatever we can to not have it. We deny ourselves being ourselves. When ALL that we freaking need in this world is to be able to be ourselves. Well fk, shit and damn. And balls. That’s exactly what we need to do though, in order to start letting our authenticity out. It’s there, but it’s underneath that pile of shit we mentioned. We need to have that shitty experience that started a lifetime ago and only got bigger, more intense and more difficult and painful with each pile of crap thrown our way for being ourselves. There’s probably gonna be a lot and it’s gonna come in waves. And I mean not consecutively, one after the other, I mean with pauses in between. That doesn’t mean that if you’ve done it a few times and if it’s still coming up, you are doing it wrong or it’s not working. It just means that there is more there to release. It’s not like you’ll do it 3 times a week for 3 weeks and your golden. There is gonna be as much crap to shovel as there is crap accumulated. And we don’t know how much, cause it’s unconscious, duh. It would be difficult to expect of yourself to assess or be aware of how big your pile is, as you do not have access to it. It’s honestly the stupidest thing to expect of yourself. As in, if you look at it from the perspective of what might logically come from what, resulting in what, you’re like ‘well, shit’. Duh! But that’s again not fair, cause you only become aware of it once you go through ‘experiencing it’. Having that shitty experience. Sitting in it. Cooking in our own soup. Accepting it without fighting it, trying to do anything about it or wanting it to change in any way. Just standing there up to your tits in your own bullshit, you own pain and heartbreak, and rage and fury, and sorrow and despair and anything that comes up, going like that meme of John Travolta from Pulp Fiction, his hands open in front of himself, looking around like what am I looking at? Cause crap is gonna start coming up. Crap, you haven’t thought of in years. It certainly does not make it any easier or better. It does make it quicker though. The more, the longer, the more frequently you sit in this soup of crappy feelings, the faster you’ll get rid of it in my experience. Maybe not, I don’t know. Everybody is different. All I know that that’s how it’s gone down for me. That’s what seems to be recommended too. That’s all.